Amish Computer Scandal

Amish Computer Scandal Shocks Community.

BIRD-IN-HAND, PENNSYLVANIA: In a recent sting operation, the Amish Bureau of Internal Affairs seized literally hundreds of dollars of unauthorized electronic equipment from the backwoods tool shed of Jeremiah and Ezekiel Holzmann. The brothers were in the process of downloading email when the raid took place. Most of the computer equipment taken was apparently purchased at Pagan Electronic swap meets, using fake identification and false mustaches to hide their Amishness.

The chief investigator said that they were aware of rumors that the Holzmann brothers were secretly supplying information about the Amish to outsiders, who were then using the information for an Amish web page.

The incident shocked the people who knew the Holzmanns. "They were such good people," said Anna Zimmerman, the next door neighbor. "They are leaders in our little church even. But now this" Her husband, Jake, mentioned that the Holzmanns always seemed to be carrying boxes wrapped in brown paper from their wagon to the tool shed. "Whenever I would ask them what they had in the box, they always told me that it was spare parts for their butter churn. It breaks down a lot."

The equipment consisted mainly of older model computers, such as old TRS-80s and MacIntosh computers. The brothers claimed that since they were using obsolete technology, they should not be punished.

"These are not real computers," claimed Ezekiel Holzmann. "We never even touched a 486, let alone a Pentium. We are using 9600 baud modems, and we powered them by hooking up a generator to the butter churn."

Their story collapsed when investigators uncovered an invoice proving that they had ordered a Pentium Pro 233mHz from an undisclosed computer company in South Dakota. When confronted with the invoice, Jeremiah Holzmann fell to his knees, crying for forgiveness.

"I told Ezekiel that it would escalate. It started with a desire to get an electric alarm clock so we could get up on time to milk the cows, but then we found a C64 at a barn sale. Soon, we kept wanting more and more equipment, until finally we were reduced to this!"

They were sentenced to three years in an Amish Re-education Clinic, where Jeremiah plans to write a book about his shameful addiction to technology. When he mentioned the possibility of an interactive CD-ROM of the book, he was then sentenced to six years.